Therapy versus Unloading

Therapy versus Unloading



What is going on you guys? In today’s video I discuss the difference between sharing with a friend and sharing with a therapist, right after this…

About Yoel

Hey everyone, welcome to my YouTube channel. This is Yoel Farkas so glad to have you. I am the author of “Recover from your divorce in four steps, the no fluff method for divorced men by a divorced man.” I’ve also recently published on Amazon my book for married men, called “How to be a winning man in your marriage”. These books are about combining personal development methods in order to become that winning man immediately. And also to have an impactful change in one’s life by sharing one’s emotional needs, thoughts, pain with a therapist, and also with close friends.

Therapy is not about unloading

And today, I wanted to discuss that second part of what I discussed in these books, which is the concept of sharing, okay, and this, the idea for this video was born out of a conversation I recently had, with a very close family member of mine, I’m not going to say who, because she probably wouldn’t want me sharing that. But I was discussing with her the idea of therapy after I was returning from one of my therapy sessions. And she said to me, you know, I’d also like to have a therapist. It would be great just to unload every once in a while. And I said to her, that that’s not the point of therapy, it’s not just about unloading. The point of therapy is so much more. And then I thought to myself, you know, what I should probably explain my, you know, my experience my viewpoint in the difference between the two, which is between sharing, and unloading, versus sharing with a therapist. So without further ado, let me let me explain the difference as I see it.

Why is it important to share?

Now, first of all, why is it important to share generally, why do we have to share? Why can’t we just keep things internally to ourselves? I’ve heard the expression so many times, and I talk about this all the time in my videos, why don’t we just say, let’s keep our emotions in check. I remember when I was first getting divorced, and I started sharing, becoming more visible. It started actually with WhatsApp status updates, and it’s graduated now, as you can see, to YouTube, and other social media platforms, whether it’s Instagram or whatnot, and at least one or two people. And it usually comes from family members. By the way, sometimes the most well-meaning people, which is usually family, could give you advice, that is not the best for you. Because I know, for me being visible and sharing my pain sharing my journey has been, I’m grateful to say, inspiring for so many people, it helps so many, so many other men out there, I act actually as a coach and a mentor for men. So I’m very grateful that I started doing this. But I remember this person, or at least one person that stands out, but there was a couple of people, if I can remember correctly, who said to me, “You got to keep your emotions in check.” Nobody wants to hear about your pain. And that got me thinking a lot. Because the reality is if we keep our emotions in check, so to speak, we keep it beneath the surface, then we never have that sort of impactful recovery, whether it’s from divorce, I use the word recovery, or whether it’s in our marriage, which is to have that impactful ability to be the man that we’re meant to be. We’re not meant to keep these emotions in check. Okay, obviously, there’s a time and place for everything I’m not suggesting everybody has to share in a public forum like YouTube, but not everybody has to be visible. In fact, as I mentioned, in a previous video, I just did, it’s quite alright, in fact, even advisable to keep the sharing to very specific people, which is close friends that you know, you can trust and a therapist. But at the same token, if you were to keep those emotions inside, then all they do is they end up bubbling inside to a point where you reach a boiling point, and you never really grow. So, it’s very important to share.

Two components to sharing: 1) With close friends and 2) therapists

Now within the idea of sharing, then I kind of branch it into two components, which is to share with the right people being close friends and share with a therapist. What’s the difference? So, sharing with the right people is important for what that loved one said to me, which is you know, I need to unload every once in a while. And that’s true, because that’s a way of bringing the insides out so to speak, to unload. And that’s when you have good friends for ok, you have good friends to listen to be there to listen, they could also offer advice and whatnot. But you got to be very wary of advice. I talk a lot about this in my books as well, where you know, you want to get to a place where you’re strong enough to make decisions on your own to take actions on your own without needing the opinion of 10 people or 10 friends. But you know, there’s nothing wrong with getting advice from a very valued friend. But if nothing more, a good friend is a great source of just being there to listen, you could sit and talk to the walls kind of you know, when I do this video, it’s kind of you can see it’s like that too. I’m talking to a screen as we speak, but having a friend there to listen and that can be on a WhatsApp voice note which I do a lot with good friends or it can be on an actual telephone and actual phone call those are becoming more, more and more obsolete amazingly! It reminds me of a funny story I had with my you know, I was talking to my brother once on WhatsApp voice notes back and forth. And he said to me imagine we could actually talk simultaneously, we both started laughing at the at the irony of it that here we were recording voice notes back and forth to each other. But in any case, I digress. The point is, is that a good friend is a great source of being able to unload, but the friend is not there, and here’s where the difference lies between a good friend and a therapist, the friend is not there to help you really understand what’s going on underneath that which you’re sharing. So for example, let’s say you want to rant. Okay, your ex wife did something, and you don’t want to manifest your anger towards your ex wife, you don’t want to express any sort of pain to her, she is definitely not that right address, but you feel a need to share it with somebody. So a good friend is there to listen to you to help you express that so that you sort of get it out of your system, so to speak. And it’s very valuable to do that.

Don’t self-condemn.

By the way, don’t judge yourself or self condemn. I know for myself, a lot of times I’ve you know, I’ve criticized myself, why do I even have these emotions? Why do I have this need to sort of rant about her. But you know what, that’s human nature, especially when you’ve been married to somebody for a long time, and she leaves you and whatever the circumstances of your divorce are, it’s very natural to have these sort of emotions.  Some people are different. Some people are less emotional than others. But the point is, especially if you’re an emotional person, I know I am an emotional person, it’s very valuable to have friends that can listen to you. So you can sort of get it out of your system, so to speak. And that doesn’t mean it’s a one off, by the way. I mean, I have friends who I share with all the time, sometimes on a daily basis, okay. So again, in terms of the quantity or how often you’re doing it, it can be many times a day. It’s not about that it’s about sharing, when you feel that need to get it from the inside out.

Friends do not help you understand what’s going on in the inside. Therapists do.

But your friend is not generally speaking is not going to be there to help you understand what’s really going on. That’s where the therapist comes into play. Now I use the term therapist for my person who I go to, I talk about this all the time I talked about this in my books. She’s not really a therapist, in the sense of she’s not a psychologist, she doesn’t have the classical certifications. By the way, when you talk about certifications, I always find this interesting. You ever asked yourself what you know, Tony Robbins, he’s the guru, you know, the master of personal development, what certification does he have? And the answer is, as far as I know, at least to the date of recording this video, none. Okay, and it hasn’t stopped him from helping millions of people and from all the awesome, unbelievable messages that he has. So in my opinion certifications, I’m not saying if you have a certification, that means you don’t know what you’re doing. Of course not. But certifications in many ways can be overrated. I think it’s important to look at the message that the person offers who the person is what he or she brings to the table, rather than looking at the letters after his or her name. But in any case, as I call it, this person who I go to my therapist, because you know, it’s just much easier to describe her that way. But when I go to her, she works a lot with the subconscious mind. And when I express certain opinions, certain ideas that I have – there’s my cat, Rosey in the background, hi, Rosey – .but when I express certain opinions, and thoughts, she’ll dig down to ask me, well, what’s going on over there? You know, why do you feel that you have that sort of opinion? Why do you feel the need to express it in that way? And when she asked questions like that, I’m able to start digging deeper within myself. So you know, recently I had a session with her, where I was saying to her, I’m just so angry at my ex wife. And the last time I met with my ex wife, it came out in a very negative way I expressed anger towards her like why. And then we as we started talking more and more, I started understanding that a lot of it stems from my upbringing, and from my childhood and from my conditioning and from my influences, both growing up and even on a daily basis. Okay, and I talked about this in a previous video, the subconscious mind versus the conscious mind. So if you want to learn more about that, I’m going to hopefully link that above over here. But the point is that my therapist helped me understand what was going on, on a subconscious level as to why I have these feelings.

Why it’s important to understand what’s going on internally.

And the reason why that’s so important is because when you start becoming aware of what’s really going on underneath these emotions, that’s already a step on the road to recovery, because when you’re aware of it, you can start working on it you can start reprogramming if you will, your conscious mind to start trickling down into your subconscious and then your subconscious will react differently so that the next time that you meet your ex wife, for example, and she says something that upsets you, then you can respond in a different way because you already have understood that the reason why you responded the way you did the previous time was because of your conscious mind. But that you know really you have the ability to change that you can reprogram yourself, okay and a full discussion of conscious versus subconscious is part of other videos is not part of this video. But if you’ve been following my my channel If you’ve watched my videos, and you’ve read various books, The Power of your Subconscious Mind, for example, I don’t have it here in the back, there it is in the corner you can’t see in the video really talks about the idea of our mind being made up of the conscious mind, which is what we are most aware of what makes our decisions such as what am I going to wear? What am I gonna eat for breakfast, and then our subconscious mind, which is made up of the conditioning.

Applies to divorced and married men alike

And this isn’t, by the way, this isn’t only obviously with respect to ex wives, this is for married men as well who are watching this, this could be with your wife, okay, so your wife says something to you, she asks you to take out the garbage and you say like, “Why always asked me to take out the garbage!” or something like that? Or “I can’t do it now, I’m just in the middle of something!” And then you may ask yourself, why am I responding so viscerally? Why do I have this like primal response to something like that. So when you share with a therapist, you can really get yourself to a place where you’re understanding what’s going on, underneath the surface. And the goal is that eventually, it doesn’t happen, again, it’s not a matter of happening right away, or quick fixes, sometimes you will have a quick fix, by the way, which is a great victory. But sometimes it takes more time, okay, until it starts trickling down more and more to your subconscious. And then you start having these, or you stop having these reactions as frequently as you do. And that’s just one example of the many sort of benefits to having a deeper understanding of what’s going on. Obviously, as human beings, you know, we have a sort of inborn programming. And those of us who are interested in learning more about ourselves, we want to get deeper, we don’t want to just live superficially or live on the surface level, we want to really understand what’s going on to better understand ourselves. The way to do that is to work with a therapist.

You must search for and find the RIGHT therapist.

I hope that gives you a good understanding of the difference between sharing with friends, for example, and sharing with a therapist. And by the way, I talk as well in the books about finding the right therapist, because not every therapist is going to give you what you’re looking for. I went to many therapists before. And it’s not a disrespect to the previous therapists who I went to. Sometimes it’s just a matter of having a good chemistry and the right fit. I’ve even referred friends to the previous therapist who I no longer go to because I know he’s a good fit for others. He was a good fit for me at the time. But I realized I was looking for something different. And I found the one who I was looking for. So you’ll know who the right fit is if he or she wows you off your feet when you go to meet that person. Okay. And again, if my previous therapist is watching this, it’s not just respect, he knows that it’s just about finding the right fit. at a particular circumstance. The right fit can change as well, you can have the right fit today that may not be the right fit tomorrow, the key is to always search. But to get back to the main point, which is the difference between sharing with a friend and a therapist, sharing with a friend, while you can get advice and you can get opinions from really trusted, good friends, the main focus, I would say is to be able to share with someone for the purposes of bringing the insides out, being able to unload as my family member said to me. But the main purpose of the therapist is not only to unload, it also serves that purpose, but it’s also forgetting an understanding of why you’re unloading what it is you’re unloading what sort of baggage are you carrying what sort of external and internal influences are shaping your conscious and your subconscious mind.


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